Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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