the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
