I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
