I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
