dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
