Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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