Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize