I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you made out with another girl for some wings
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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