I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
