When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize