The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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