puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
