He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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