yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
