So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
