apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
