bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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