My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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