i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize