You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
