and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
