They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
