1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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