You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
