you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize