I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
