Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
