so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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