We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
