ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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