Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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