i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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