oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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