the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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