I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
