watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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