There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
