I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
