i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
