We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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