I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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