Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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