I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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