I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
