Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
