haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize