I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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