Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize