I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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