So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
