WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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