My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
