i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
