We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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