He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
