So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
