WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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