Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I would ride that face into the sunset
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
