I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
