I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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