i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
