I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think i got beer on your cat.
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