Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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