i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
