you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
