im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
