its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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